Attempting to find yourself in all the wrong places and in all the wrong hands. If this is/was you, then you’ve found the right post. Even if it never was, it’s still worth the read.
In my interactions with young women my age and even those older than I am, I have come to the realization that a lot of us are insecure. Only a few would admit it, but we are easily threatened by another woman’s beauty or intelligence. It doesnt come off as too much of a surprise to me because our society pits us against each other instead of uniting us – a lot of women only see their fellow women as competition. Insecurity usually stems from a lack of identity; failing to know who and whose you are. I still have a long way to go, but I am certainly no longer the insecure girl I once was. I have grown to accept myself more, and scripture helped me with that.
Identity precedes so much in the Christian life. Knowing and believing who God says you are, gives you a whole new perspective on life, standards and relationships.
Relationships. That is one thing I have realized the world today needs a lot of navigation on. We cant possibly think of having successful relationships if we leave God out of the equation. Isn’t it basic logic to learn about love from the creator of love? Words in this post would probably have spared me a lot of hurt, but since I couldn’t give it to myself, I would give it to other women who need it like I did. Where dating and relationships are concerned, here are five things I want you to know by adressing some lies we tell ourselves:
Lie #1. “I know I can change him”
This one had to be the first on the list. Sisters, I honestly don’t know where we got this idea of changing men but sadly, I once believed it too. You see, change is a personal decision. In order to change, a person has to realize that they must be better in the first place. It is a conscious decision backed by the help of the Holy Spirit. Is it really true change if he did it for you and not for God? Is is true change if it wasn’t influenced by God’s love but yours? It is sweet and admirable to hear stories of men giving up bad habits for the love of a woman but personally, I don’t want a man to give up his bad ways for me; I want him to do it for God because I know true repentance is only as a result of godly sorrow and conviction. Eve didn’t have to bring Adam into God’s presence, she found him there.
“I see so much in him, he has potential”
Sis, everyone has potential, but of what use is potential if it isnt being manifested?
Dating isn’t evangelism – You can help someone in their walk with God without being romantically involved with them. Honestly, if you are also helping someone grow closer to God just so they become the ‘ideal boyfriend’ for you, then you really need to analyze your motives. Are you soul winning or boyfriend searching? One huge lesson I learnt from Michaael Todd’s Relationship series was that it is easier to be pulled up by someone who is above you. Too often, we fall for men woefully beaneath us in spirituality and morality. At the end of the day, we only end up getting pulled back and backsliding in our relationships with God instead of helping the other person grow. I believe this is why Scripture emphasizes equal yoking – how can two walk together unless they agree? You get the guy you pick, and not the guy you believe he can become. If God’s love couldn’t change him, what is the guarantee that yours can? I am still very old school in my beliefs about the issue of spirituality in a relationship. Personally, a guy that can’t lead me is a no for me. I don’t want us to be on the same level of spirituality. I want you to be above me covering us and our relationship with prayer and also teaching me to grow closer to God.
Women, we aren’t rehabilitation centres for badly raised men – It is never your place to change him. Preoccupy yourself with purpose in your single season and know that a man that is really worth your time will bring you closer to God, not pull you away from Him. Eve never had to bring Adam into the presence of God, she found him there.
Lie #2. “This isn’t him”
The excuses we make for men just amaze me sometimes. A man will show us who he truly is, only for us to turn around and say “this isn’t you”. Emotional intelligence is a skill worth having, we need to be in better control of our emotions so we become less gullible and impressionable. Proverbs 4:23 is one of my all time favorite verses. It asks us to guard our hearts above all else. I pay particular attention to detail in my reading of Scripture because it gives deeper revelations. Solomon was a man who had all that he could ever want. Why would such a wealthy man ask us to value the heart, out of everything he could have mentioned, above all else? I came to the realization then that our hearts must be very important to God and like all other things of importance, not just anyone can have it.
Who he says he is, isnt enough sis. It is who he shows himself to be, that is what should get your attention. We get so caught up in the flattery and chase that we lose sight of the guy. Be alert and discerning of patterns. Do his words match his actions or is he sending you scripture in the morning and porn at night? Who a man shows you he is, is who he really is. You must be thinking “she is typing all this like it is easy”. Sis, trust me I know it is not. However, one thing I am sure of is that a man who God has entrusted with your heart is certainly worth the wait.
Don’t let his words make you a girlfriend, when his actions have not.
Lie #3. “He will love me more if…”
Usually, what follows this statement is always sin.
Going outside the will of God to get a man, means you will have to stay outside His will to keep him. Lets be brutally honest, there have been times where we considered things we would never do under normal circumstances for a guy’s love. Either it is a sexual act or just going out of character, a lot of us have considered it. I am here to remind you that it isn’t worth it; it never is. There is more to you than how good you can be in bed, and if he doesn’t see that, I doubt he is a man worthy of you. Isn’t it amazing how women are able to love even the most irresponsible and trifling of men and yet, when it comes to us, we are supposed to do something to warrant a man’s love and attention?
If he doesn’t familiarize himself with you from the waist up, he doesn’t deserve to know you from the waist down.
I remember having a conversation with one guy on Twitter who simply didn’t understand why I advocate sex only within marriage. So I asked this guy if he and his girlfriend had already had sex to which he responded yes. Then I also asked him if he knew of any allergies she might have had, her love language, as well as her family background. To this, he replied no. He admitted he hadn’t even thought to ask. That is the exact representation of the dating scene today. Allergies are no joke. Knowing what your partner is allergic to can actually save their lives. It guides you in purchasing food items for them incase there is an ingredient they might react negatively to. Love languages are basically the languages we like to be loved in. It was actually my boyfriend that introduced me to the concept. Before him, I didn’t even know I liked to be loved with actions. That kind of love language is called Acts of Service.
So you see, this guy I was talking to hadn’t even acquainted himself with how to love and care for the girl properly but was already having sex with her. I was basically trying to prove the point that today, people don’t find out enough about themselves before hitting the sheets. He didn’t know or even think to ask her about the important details like family background or love language, all he cared about was undressing her.
Queens, if he doesn’t familiarize himself with you from the waist up, he doesn’t deserve to know you from the waist down. Nothing keeps a man other than the fact that he wants to be kept. The sex, the compromises, the nudes. All that will keep him engaged for the moment but won’t guarantee his stay. Be assured that any love that causes you to give up on your standards is one you are far better without. Find joy in yourself, knowing that real love, the kind God wants for you, is patient, kind and respecting of your boundaries. If The Creator of the universe doesn’t ask that you do anything more for His love, why should a mere mortal?
Lie #4. “Not going all the way”
This particular lie is usually very hard to debunk and I struggle with it, myself. As Christians, we always try to find loopholes where God’s standards are concerned. It isn’t rare to hear someone say they did all the other stuff, but it wasn’t sex. It still doesn’t make it okay. It is important to realize God doesn’t call us to abstinence, He calls us to purity. He isn’t just concerned about holiness in your sexual life, He wants holiness in your life as a whole.
I love Ephesians 4:27 because it talks about not giving the devil a foothold. Don’t be with a romantic interest alone in secluded areas when you know you struggle with lust and self control. Where sexual immorality is concerned, Scripture asks that we flee. Again, I am writing this rebuking my own self. Purity goes beyond just what we do, it is also about what we watch and listen to. As Daughters of God, we have to be careful when it comes to the type of conversations we entertain.
Lie #5. “He completes me”
No he doesn’t, unless His name is Jesus. Our view of love can sometimes be skewed. Satisfaction is found in no one else but God. Our relationships are bound to fail if we expect any man to fill our void. You are a whole being in Christ looking to be partnered with another whole being in Christ. A relationship is simply an addition to your already fulfilling and purposeful life in God. It isn’t your identity or your lifeline, so that you feel something is missing if you aren’t dating anyone.
Viewing anyone other than God as completing you has adverse disadvantages. This explains why it is sometimes so easy for us to go back on our standards for our romantic interests. We have a view that without them, we are incomplete and so we do anything to please them even when it means displeasing God – we tend to idolize our partners. The longing you feel for a partner is absolutely normal because we were made as relational beings, but we have to be careful to not let the blessing make us lose sight of The Blesser. Yes, a great boyfriend/girlfriend is a blessing, but they can never replace God in our lives.
Don’t exchange your salvation for a relationship status. Before any man expressed interest in you, you had a purpose – Make sure you don’t lose sight of that fact.